I like to imagine life as a really big roadmap. Our lives intersect at many different times as we travel up and about towards our destiny. Sometimes we find a special someone to travel with along the way, but more often than not our journeys have no choice but to detach and go our own separate ways not because we weren’t good travel companions, but because our destinations are different.
If our lives were written on a road map, there would be a hell of a lot of scribbles. We’re consistently moving and growing, migrating here and there and everywhere; and if we’re lucky enough we find a special man that helps make the ride much more enjoyable. More often than not, however, we become too comfortable with our companion that it’s hard to sense when it’s time to let go. If we don’t allow ourselves to see it, we lose our sense of direction and forget where it is we’re going. Here are a few major signs that might help:
#1) He laughs when you’re uncomfortable.
I once dated a guy whose idea of humor was to make me as uncomfortable as possible. He’d love hanging over the roof pretending to lose his balance or letting go of the steering wheel while he was going 70 miles per hour. His personal favorite was to bring up topics he knew were my hot-button issues simply to push the envelope and get a reaction from me. This is NEVER okay.
When your boyfriend’s idea of humor is to make you uncomfortable, not only is it rude and disrespectful but it’s also a testament to how much he regards your feelings. The second you let him get away with these things, he’ll quickly move towards more traumatic efforts of gaining attention. It’s totally immature and will do nothing but bring you down. Kick his ass to the curb!
#2) He doesn’t defend you publicly.
This is a major sign of virtue and honor. I remember dating a guy in high school who was very discreet. We’d make out in the locker room after the coaches and players had left but when we were in public, he’d act like he didn’t know me. One day I was walking to class and a couple of assholes started teasing me about something. I saw him across the hall watching the whole thing and much to my surprise he walked away and said nothing. That was the end of that.
A couple years later, I was in college and started dating a man I’d met in my philosophy class. One afternoon we were in the mess and a guy next to me in line called me a faggot. I started to fight back of course, but my boyfriend intervened. I saw it affect him just as much as it affected me and the next thing I knew, he had pushed the guy so hard he fell to the ground and spilled his entire bowl of nachos on his Ed Hardy t-shirt. I never felt so loved in my entire life.
Even though I knew I could defend myself, it felt nice knowing that another person had my back, even if I wasn’t present. I can’t stand hearing someone gossiping behind a guy’s back and seeing that man’s boyfriend say nothing to defend him. Being there for each other means protecting each other, even if deep down you think they’re wrong. You need to have each other’s back. If not, the trust will eventually whither away. And believe me, the truth will always reveal itself.
#3) You keep trying to convince yourself how much you love him.
Stop pacing your apartment repeating, “I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him…” You can’t hypnotize yourself into loving someone. You either do or you don’t and the longer you try to force it, the crazier you’re going to be. Sometimes love arrives so quickly but when it leaves, it goes away much slower, making us question everything we knew about the relationship. If you’re finding yourself obsessing over whether you love him or not, I say push the intellect aside and start listening to your heart. It speaks a language impossible to be translated from words. Try knowing rather than thinking… you’ll probably be surprised by the answers.
#4) You’re relieved when he’s away.
If he goes away on a trip and you’re totally relieved it doesn’t mean you don’t love him, but it might mean he’s suppressing you inside a box. It’s as if the time you spend together conflicts with the things you really want to be doing. You might see him as a hindrance that gets in the way of your progress. This is always a bad sign because a boyfriend should never keep you from being the guy you want to be. Quite the contrary, he should help you be who you want to be.
#5) You’re scared to confront him about things.
When you go out on a date or when he comes home from work, how long does it take before you’re scared of him? Do you hesitate when trying to defend yourself? Do you feel like you walk on eggshells too scared to see how he’ll react otherwise? If so, you’re not in a relationship. You’re in a dictatorship. A boyfriend is not your master nor is he the controller of your life. You both should be working together towards a better relationship. It’s time to pull the plug before things get worse.
#6) He’s not willing to compromise anything with you.
It’s his way or the high way when either making collective decisions or showing intimacy. If he doesn’t reciprocate in the bedroom, trust me, it’s a sign. If he doesn’t share the popcorn at the movie theater, believe me, it’s a sign. When he never offers to split the check, share the umbrella, or take the trash out, yes, it’s a sign. It’s a representation of who he is. Even though these things are physical or practical, it’s a reflection on how he shares his emotional life as well. It’s not just the popcorn we’re talking about. It’s the commitments, the love and the respect he’s not willing to share too.
#7) Public PDA is strangely awkward.
When people hold hands in public it’s to validate the relationship. They’re basically saying, “Hey world! I’m taken, and it feels good.” Being in a gay relationship is difficult sometimes because there is pressure of public opinion. There are always going to be people staring at us, but when the foundation is strong there is no need to feel awkward. But try and understand the difference between social awkwardness and inner awkwardness. One is tied to pleasing the world and the other is tied to being disingenuous. The latter is a major sign to look out for.
#8) Passion has turned into resentment.
Passion is powerful because it shifts into many different emotions with just as much power as it had before. The tension will be the same but the intention is different. When we fall head over heels for someone, we go big or go home. The passion becomes the knot and it’s difficult to untie, so instead of diminishing it we mold it into something different the second we feel threatened or disheveled. Our man becomes the punching bag so to speak, and resentment starts building over every little blame you throw his way. It’s best to step away and let it diminish before it takes hold of you and changes your outlook on everything.
#9) You feel him judging you when you’re naked.
Your man is supposed to be the guy who doesn’t judge you when you’re naked. If you can’t feel sexy with him, trust me it’s a major sign. But be wary of this. Don’t confuse your own insecurities with how you think he feels. He might be telling you ever night how hot you are, but if you refuse to listen, of course you’re going to think he’s judging you. Know what the truth is before you jump to conclusions.
#10) He talks about other men constantly.
Nothing is more disconcerting than listening to your boyfriend rave about how hot other guys are. A little story from time to time is okay, but I think we all know where to draw the line. When your man doesn’t seem to have a filter, it’s pretty clear that he’s talking out his fantasies. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather keep my mans imagination in bed with me where it belongs. It’s just a matter of time before the penis meets the brain where it’s at.
Have you found the right one, or are you still searching?