Gay Relationship Advice: The Spark Is Fading Away

Question: “I’m in my late 30’s and have been in a relationship with my partner now for nearly two years. He’s the first guy I can honestly say I’ve ever truly loved. A few months ago, my partner started losing interest in sex and I soon discovered that he was hooking up with other guys on the Internet. He says he loves me, but that it’s just on a different level than it was before. I feel like I’m more in love with him than he is me. Has he lost interest in me as a life partner? Is this worth saving?” – Chris C.

I’m sorry to hear about the issues you and your partner are going through. This is very common and will require the two of you to “step things up” in your relationship to get back on track again. Your partner’s behavior has undoubtedly hurt you and you will need a period of time to grieve what’s happened and determine your ability and desire to work on rebuilding a sense of trust.

All relationships experience a decline in that initial spark and chemistry that is so sweet in the beginnings of being together. At about 1.5 to 2-years together as a couple, most partners will begin to see a dip in the passion and electricity in their relationship. This is normal in the development of all relationships and is not necessarily reason to be concerned. It’s an indication that your relationship is maturing and now having to deal %with more sophisticated levels of intimacy and problems.

With this being said, your partner’s turning to other men at this stage does not necessarily mean that he loves you any less than you love him. Your love is indeed on a new level after having been together as long as you have now. That may sound strange considering he’s been unfaithful; but it may be the way that he responded to his own changes in your relationship. The concern I have is that your partner did not communicate his feelings about the changes he was going through with you and instead acted out with other men in a dishonest fashion without your knowledge or consent, perhaps putting you at risk for contracting STD’s. This is a huge violation of trust to your commitment.

You will first need to decide for yourself if you want to salvage your relationship, which will require you to grieve what’s happened, identify possible ways you yourself may have contributed to the distance in your partnership to “own” your role in it, and then begin the process of forgiveness of yourself and your partner. If you can do this, you and your partner will need to have ongoing communication sessions with each other and I would also encourage the two of you to pursue couples counseling with a trained therapist who specializes in gay relationships.

So is this salvageable? Yes, if you both want it to work, and it will require 110% effort on both your parts. Both of you will need to define in specific terms the type of relationship that you’re looking for. What are your personal requirements of a partner and for a long-term relationship? What’s negotiable and what would be considered a “deal-breaker” for each of you? Compare your notes and see if you match and/or can make some compromises. If either one of you are unwilling to work on a particular deal-breaker issue, then the relationship will likely be incompatible because it would mean that the two of you have different values or philosophies of life.

You and your partner will want to explore any unmet needs that exist in your relationship and go about finding ways to get them met in healthy directions. You will also want to explore what triggered your partner to go outside your relationship and to discover strategies for getting these needs met within the context of your partnership. You’ll also want to define what monogamy means to each of you and whether you both desire an open relationship or strictly monogamous.

Through these kinds of discussions, you’ll be able to find out just how committed your partner is to building a future with you. You’ll always want to keep the channels of communication open, discussing any and all issues/feelings that come up along the way to stave off any potential problems and to keep centered on keeping your relationship safe. You’ll also want to find ways of bringing back more passion and aliveness into your relationship to keep things fresh and spontaneous (I have a couple of articles on my website about this issue in the Couples Articles section..”Passion Drought”).

I wish you all the best with your decision-making about this, my friend. My fingers are crossed for you and take good care of yourself.

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