Everyone says nice guys finish last. As a nice guy myself, I’ve experienced firsthand the consequences of such an idea. In the gay community, bad boys are almost always the first ones to get noticed. But most of us learn rather quickly these kinds of men can turn into very bad relationships.
Nice guys depend on their emotions to rule their relationships. While this is a good tactic, it has the potential of losing a man’s interest sooner than later. If you truly want to be the nice who ends up with the trophy boyfriend, it’s time to start investigating some serious mistakes:
#1) Too Much Interest. No one should feel too wanted. No matter how many times we say want that kind of thing, it often makes us feel uncomfortable. There’s a difference between cooking a nice dinner in your apartment and sending him bouquets of flowers to his work. One is pleasant and romantic, the other is stalkerish and creepy.
#2) Letting him know how you feel too soon can come back to bite you later. It’s more than just expressing interest. Overkill on how “how great this date is going” or how “comfortable you feel” around him might create an uncomfortable cloud. It lets your guard down which prevents him from sensing further compatibility, not to mention it translates mystery into words. That in itself puts pressure on continuing the feelings. Enjoy the moment privately, but don’t let it become a public confession.
#3) Too many compliments. You might be the most confident person in the world, but over complimenting can build an unhealthy habit that damages your well-being. Just because he’s gorgeous doesn’t mean he has to know it 24 hours a day. Eventually he’ll start to lose his sense of wanting to please you because it’ll be clear how easy it is.
#4) Playing the “boyfriend” too early. Dating should be fun. If during the first few dates you’ve started treating him like a boyfriend, chances are he’ll start to distance himself. Relax, you’re still dating. There’s no urgency to change your Facebook status as soon as you can. While it’s okay for him to feel how sexually interested you are, you never want him to feel like you’re his husband.
#5) Making yourself too available. You don’t want to spend every moment with him, especially when it requires altering important plans. He’ll start to understand the power he has which can be dangerous. You might really like him, but your plans should still take precedent.
#6) Cliche movie moments. As sexy as John Cusack was holding his stereo outside his girlfriend’s bedroom window, that doesn’t mean you need to emulate it. There’s a fine line between being romantic and being corny. No one likes corny as much as they lead on. Making your relationship into a movie cliche can easily backfire and more often than not, become irreversible.
#7) Dream-making. You’re not in the profession of making dreams come true. Just because he mentions on the first date how much he loved Disney movies doesn’t mean you ought to pay your friend (who works at Disney World) to let you have a private tour of the backlot led by Mickey himself. Sometimes the things we say on a date shouldn’t be fundamentally ingrained in your memory.
#8) Listening to your friend’s advice. No one is inside your head but you, so the only voice you ought to pay attention to is your own. Often times heeding advice from others knock your emotions out of whack, eventually making you forget whatever it was you felt in the first place.
#9) Texting immediately afterwards. There’s something sexy in knowing that a man has his own life, but makes time for me. This generates attraction. I’ve dated guys who’ve texted me three seconds after I send him a message. Clearly he was sitting by his phone waiting for me to text him back. The last thing you want is for him to think you’re whipped.
#10) Lack of competition. When you’re too easy to snatch up, you lower your value. We’re men, which means we enjoy having mental competitions for affection. Whether we’re competing with work, friends, family or social activities, it’s important for him to have a sense of urgency to gain attention. Hot guys can have sex whenever they want with horny men, but when they find someone who doesn’t need them, it becomes a driving force that brings them closer to you.
#11) Trying to be too likable. We all want to appear likable, but there’s a fine line between a man of character and being disingenuous. Pretending and over exaggerating your generosity or kind spirit will soon be transparent overtime. In the long run, we don’t fall in love with likability alone. We fall in love with authenticity.
#12) Buying affection. Paying for every date you go one is one step away from begging. When you give him the space to walk all over you, you’re slowly creating a monster. A very spoiled monster.
#13) Being nonsocial on dates and focusing only on him might make you feel like you’re giving him the attention he deserves, but in reality it’s giving an impression that you’re unfriendly. Don’t be afraid to talk to people in front of your man. It conveys confidence that quickly turns into sexual attraction.
#14) Rewarding bad behavior. Just because you’re a nice guy doesn’t mean he can disrespect your limits. If he does something rude, you can’t make him think he can do it again and again. Grow a back bone and have enough respect for yourself to let him know what he did was wrong, even if it means sending him to the dog house. It’s okay to make him fight for you from time to time. It’ll remind him that you’re someone of value.
#15) Talking the talk, but not walking the walk. Often times it’s easy to talk a lot of game, but fail to execute them. With so many one-liners to choose from, it’s difficult to think underneath the words. Nice words won’t get you nearly as far as kind gestures.
#16) Apologizing for yourself. Leave the self-deprecation to standup comedians. There’s no need to apologize for asking too many questions, feeling too many emotions or acting on impulse. It shows a bit of shame and lack of knowledge in who you are and what you have to offer. That’s an energy no ones wants to be around.
#17) Talking too much about your past relationships. It’s easy, especially at the beginning to talk about your exes and what went wrong. Sometimes it feels like they will feel the need to be “better” than him. In reality, it either makes him think you’re still in love with your ex or you don’t know how to hold a long term relationship.
#18) Agreeing with everything he says will only get you so far. If you lack the ability to make your own decisions, he will have much less respect for you. This doesn’t mean you need to win every argument or idea, but the idea of compromise is more powerful than you can imagine.
#19) Bubble Popping. Just because you’re invading his space doesn’t mean you’re closer to each other. Stop trying to force something that might not be there to begin with. Lean back, relax, and let him come to you.
#20) Deflecting drama. Everyone preaches about how much they hate drama. Soon, it turns into a conscious effort to ignore it as soon as it arises. Though it feels like you’re dodging needless energy, it also can make you look like you don’t care. Pick your battles and use your intuition to decide which situations deserve your concern, but don’t pretend it doesn’t exist.
#21) Too sexually closed off. Men like to date guys with good hearts and souls, but that doesn’t mean you should pretend not to have sex on your mind. Our biology can’t help itself sometimes so there’s no need to be embarrassed at the fact that you want to jump each other’s bones. I get it. With so many hookup apps running around, we want to appear “different” from the other gay guys we’ve dated. But the desire for sex shouldn’t be ignored, especially when it’s a mutual affair. There’s nothing wrong with wanting sex, so long as it doesn’t overrule everything else.
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