Dating in the gay community is hard, even for experienced guys like myself. I’m not one to point my finger, but in this case I’d say there are loads of men who can use a bit tweaking in terms of their dating strategy. Every now and then, we need a boost of inspiration to get our heads on straight (so to speak). Here are some very nice rules to live by:
1) If you’re not interested, he won’t be interesting.
If you’re not at all interested in him prior to meeting (or during), chances are you’ve made it impossible for him to convince you otherwise. One of the hardest things about dating is staying interested in the person. Gay guys especially put on a mask so thick it’s hard to see through unless you make a conscious effort. Staying interested requires you to enter each circumstance with an open mind, not with a limitless amount of expectations. Don’t make a set of impossible rules; you’re only making it harder for yourself to be satisfied.
2) Don’t assume he lives a certain kind of lifestyle.
He’s gay. That doesn’t mean he’s a hardcore liberal Democrat who enjoys watching BRAVO, reading Vogue while blaring Madonna’s Greatest Hits, sipping a Cosmo, snapping his finger underneath a Dolce & Gabbana cardigan to judging people with his very obvious lisp – clearly you need to date more men. In fact, leave all assumptions at the door from the get go. The last thing you want is to leave him vulnerable to your own interpretations of what a gay guy should be. If you think all gay guys are forced to be a certain stereotype, perhaps that’s the root of your “single” problem.
3) Avoid dating guys who have more problems than you.
I get it. We all have baggage but the last thing you want is more. Each person’s past is theirs and theirs alone. A person who carries their mess into a potential relationship isn’t looking for connection; they’re looking for a therapist. You can’t solve his problems, trust me, and he can’t solve yours. If you’re willing to take the chance, be my guest, but understand that when you add more weight to an already heavy structure, eventually it’s going fall.
4) If he’s not “out” you’re only going to be a dirty little secret.
This is 2014. The term “discreet” is slowly disappearing in the back of men’s memories. Sure there might be a lot of people who still have problems with being out and proud, but I can bet a lot of it has to do with their own acceptance of themselves – not society’s. This can be a huge sign that they’re not comfortable inside their heads. The last thing you want is to be someone’s secret rendezvous on the weekends. You want to build a solid relationship? See how they live their lives. It’s a reflection on how well they’ll invite others (i.e. you) into it.
5) Don’t tolerate bad behavior.
When you refuse to set the record straight on things when he says rude comments, is continuously late, or disrespects your efforts, you’re unintentionally creating a habit. You’re teaching him that you have no limits, and when a person has no limits they are free to roam as they choose – they walk all over you. Never feel so desperate to please him you forget to respect yourself. No one can take advantage of you until you let them.
6) Never underestimate the importance of getting tested for STDs.
Let’s face it. Gay culture supports free love; I’m all for it too so long as it’s safe. Getting tested is important not only for the men you date, but for your own well-being. When you know your status you feel on top of your health, which makes you confident and eager to focus on connecting with men on an emotional level – minus the physical.
7) Just because you’re in the dating pool doesn’t mean every guy is easy.
If you think every gay guy is going to sleep with you on the first date, you have another thing coming. When you’re in your early-twenties, that’s one thing. More guys are willing to use sex as an icebreaker when they’re younger, but as you grow older you’ll discover that most of us have gotten over it. Sex doesn’t have to be before the handshake. Don’t enter each date with an intention of estimating whether or not he’s a top or bottom. Let things happen organically and sex will eventually follow. It always does.
8) A man who continuously talks about his ex isn’t ready to be dating.
On the first date it’s normal to talk about why their ex-relationship didn’t work out, but if every other sentence is “My ex and I used to…” or “When me and so-so were together” or “Oh me and my ex would do that all the time,” chances are he’s still hung up on his ex and is not ready to be dating. You must bring this up to him and see how he reacts. Sometimes he won’t realize how much he’s talking about him until it’s brought up. The stages of a new relationship will never bloom unless the emotional vessels from his previous relationships are closed.
9) Never put a man on a pedestal, otherwise you won’t be able to reach him.
He’s a man – not a god. He’s not someone you have to bend over backwards for; let’s be honest, you don’t know him that well yet. He might be sexy, funny, quirky and all the things you dream of, but never should you place any idol before the ultimate God: YOU.
10) Be the person you want to date.
If you want to date a certain kind of guy, you’re never going to attract him if you’re sending out all the wrong signals. If you’re going out hunting for Turkeys, you don’t want to bring a duck call do you? It’s true that opposites attract, but it’s only short lived. It doesn’t matter what you look like or even what your personality is; if you’re alike on goals, morals, point of views, temper levels, enthusiasm for particular interests, etc. then you’re likely to last a long time. Start focusing on the things that make you happy. Do the things that interest you the most and you’ll likely find the perfect person for you within the realm of these activities. Be the best you possible and you’ll attract another similar mind.
Have you found the right one, or are you still searching?
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